Oh Gene Simmons, you are not an asshole, you are just a schmuck......

Those of you who know me from my childhood , know that I left my little Mayberry , meets sneering yentas hometown at the age of 15. I moved to NY to follow my dreams in the music business.

YAY! ( golf clap from readers.........snoring ensues )

anyway

When I arrived in New York, I really didn't have such a solid plan. I knew I was a genius and probably going to be one of the top bass playing, song writing , remixing, producer/aritst,model,spokesman , swim suit models ever. I just couldn't convince anybody else of this.And nobody seemed to give a fuck. I worked a variety of horrible jobs and basically got my ass handed to me on a daily basis from this city. I had just turned 16 and literally around NOBODY my own age. After a few months of bothering people I got a job at a recording studio called Right Track. I still don't know how I got this gig. I can assure you , it was not because of my father either. He at that point was scratching his way back to the middle after having fallen on some hard career times. let's just say the fighting Dorns were figuring out a course correction. What does this have to do with Gene Simmons being a schmuck you ask? Everything! , so settle down and be patient. This all pays off.

Ok.....so, let's get back to Right Track. I get hired. I get hired to be the tape librarian. I'm shown a room of about 3000 reels of tape and told "Get this out of here and back to the people that own it" and given no instruction how to do it. Meanwhile upstairs the studio is a real studio. On any given day some of the top artists in the world are in there making platinum albums. I was sneered at by Paul Simon on a regular basis. I had crystal light popsicles with Luther Vandross. The gentlemen from Foreigner were addicted to a particular driving video game while making one of their "YACHT ROCK" classics. "Take that Mick Jones.....I'm on level 42!" needless to say, although I didn't spend much time in the studios at first. I did see a lot of folks and interact with some very interesting music personalities of the 80's. The most memorable of which was Mr. Gene Simmons. ( "finally you fucking name dropping , verbose asshole.......GET TO THE STORY......" - mike piehl, Boston, USA )

So, Christmas. 1988. Front lobby. The employees are signing all of the Christmas Cards that I have purchased for our cherished clients. I'm sitting at the front desk and organizing the cards and putting them away as the employees one by one finish with the task of making sure Taylor Dane is not felt left out and gets her card that I'm sure she will eventually use to cut up a line of blow with. that's another story. As I sit there, I'm reading an article in BIllboard magazine about my soon to be savior and mentor Marcus Miller. Seeing as the main reason I moved to new york was to basically become a bass player I took notice of the article and was transfixed as I had only very recently started to hang in the studio while Marcus worked. He let me watch and learn. I was ensconced in the article and now unaware of my surroundings. I didn't notice when Gene Simmons who was working in Studio A with the juggernaut that was L.A. Guns walked up beside me. I flinched like Shemp from the Three Stooges when I looked up and saw his horribleness. OUt of make up. The man looked like a Rabbi and a Vampire got into a fight and THE RABBI HAD WON!

Any of you that know me, especially anybody that knows me from this time. Knows that A) I was a fucking opinionated know it all ( ha ha ha, I know I still am....thank you..... and B) Obsessed with all things related to the bass. So, putting those two things together. Seeing Gene Simmons to me was like seeing Dr Von Schmuck. here he was Mr rock/metal bass player rock star out of make up , preening , ego maniacal non musical nothing to me. my blood boiled. How dare Gene Simmons walk near me and claim to "play a bass" or "be a producer/ musician" CHARLATAN!!! he looks at me and absolutely sensing a vibe , and not a good one from me says "what are you doing there kid" to which I say " we are signing a christmas card for one of our clients , his name is marcus miller. you want to sign it? " he says who is marcus miller? you mean marcus welby?" ANGER ENSUES......I will smote thee GENE SIMMONS, you now anger the gods of BASS yet AGAIN!

OH NO YOU DID NOT MR GENE SIMMONS.......you did not just call my hero MARCUS WELBY.

So, in a voice with the attitude of Stewie from The Family Guy but with a distinct "blackcent" ( I was black between 1987-1993 ) . I say "Marcus Miller is actually one of the best bass players in the world. I'm reading an article about him right now in Billboard and they are saying he has the potential to be the next Quincy Jones " to which Gene ( we are now on a first name basis ) replies. "Quincy Jones?!?! , who the hell is Quincy Jones!!?!?......nobody knows who Quincy Jones is. Between Marcus Welby and Quincy , it sounds like we have a new TV series here " ( kudos Gene, that was actually funny ) I look at Gene , flames shooting from my eyes and say "Are you kidding me?! who the hell is quincy jones?!?! , everybody knows who quincy jones is! "

GENE - nobody knows who quincy jones is!!
MOWO! - I bet you 20 bucks if we go downstairs on the street and ask someone they'll know
GENE - bet, you are on
MOWO! - and I want one of those basses that has like a lighting bolt and and a snake on it , and mirrors
GENE - you are a bass player?
MOWO! - Yes, the only one having this conversation actually....
GENE - you have a big mouth
MOWO! - you have a big tongue
GENE- ok, its on , wise ass , lets go downstairs but I get to pick out the person and you can only say "Excuse me, do you know who quincy jones is?"
MOWO! - fine , they'll know

LEt it be known , I was not yet known as MOWO! , I was simply Adam. The big mouthed wise ass from the main line who was and still to this day remains a far far better bass player than Gene Simmons , but alas, so are you dear reader :)

GENE - ok mr know it all, go ask that UPS MAN and don't stray from the script.
MOWO! - excuse me , do you know who QUINCY JONES IS
UPS GUY - of course he is Michael Jackson's producer
GENE - oh, ok........fine, that was luck.
MOWO! - no it wasn't , people know who he is
GENE - oh yeah, double or nothing!
MOWO! - ok , I'm just gonna take your money Simmons. When I win can I call you Richard Simmons for the rest of the day?
GENE - very funny.....ok, ask that older woman and again. DO NOT deviate.
MOWO! - cool

NOW THE IMPORTANT SIDE NOT OF ALL SIDE NOTES , right track , was on 48th street. its important to know this because 48th street was where all of the musical instrument stores were. it was crawling with musicians, albeit in 1989 musicians with big hair. It was still a very bad street for Gene Simmons to challenge me on. now we return our dear readers to the story......

MOWO! - Excuse me mam, do you know Quincy Jones is

and here is the payoff :

NICE 50's SOMETHING JEWISH WOMAN - Of course I do, he is friends with my husband. He is a big band leader and a producer. He used to play in the Dizzy Gillespie big band and then he started making records and producing and he made that "Thriller" album for Michael Jackson

GENE - HUH!?!? how on earth do you know that much about Quincy Jones.

NICE 50's SOMETHING JEWISH WOMAN - he is friends with my husband. My husband owns Manny's , we've known quincy since the 50's!

( manny's at the time was the biggest music store in new york city )

MOWO! - I LOVE YOU, you just won me money from a jewish Rock Star. Fork it over GENE

NICE 50's SOMETHING JEWISH WOMAN - Oh that's sweet. Who is he?

MOWO! - Gene Simmons from the band Kiss

NICE 50's SOMETHING JEWISH WOMAN - Oh, I don't like their music at all. But it's nice to meet you , pay that young man what you owe him

GENE - you got lucky.

MOWO! - I havent had this much money since my bar mitzvah!

END SCENE

so see kids, staying in school isn't so cool! If I had stayed in school it would have been November of my senior year. You tell me. Win money from a Jewish vampire or go to the prom with a girl named Tiffany Shittzenberg?

yeah, I thought so.

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